Some random drivel I thought about while preparing for my traditional Christmas Day cold.
You know you're watching a channel or programme aimed at women when you hear the word "pentapeptides" mentioned.
While we're talking about annoying adverts, if you're fronting an advert and you have to start by telling people who you are that's because no-one knows who you are. That's right Nadine Baggott, we're talking about you.
Incidentally, the same thing goes for impressions, which is part of the reason that I never took to Dead Ringers the way some of my friends did.
By the way, the leader in the clubhouse for impressions which should start with an introduction is (and should probably always be) my former university housemate Dave and his impression of Beavis... in the style of Les Dawson.
Is anyone else worried that Leona Lewis must have been bleeding for about three months now?
I can't wait to see my daughter open her Christmas presents. I need the space back in my office (where the presents are currently hidden).
It's safe to say my daughter is excited about Christmas coming up, and she knows what needs to happen for Santa to visit: "No tempers." Of course it helps if she doesn't see a Santa who teaches her the word "mince". Or a father who teaches her the word "guff" for that matter.
A word of advice to anyone who takes their wife to the shops before Christmas under the premise of, "I just need to get two things" - don't believe it for a second.
Count me among the people who wishes Westlife would stop just singing about going home, and just go home. Preferrably permanently.
And if a Westlife album is their "best yet" is that really a selling point? Did early 1980s newsreaders start their bulletins by saying, "The Yorkshire ripper is back with his most horrific murder yet"?
Congratulations to ITV for giving us the worst night's TV of the year on Saturday night. Britain sings Christmas? Awful. And what was that celebrity trading thing about? Good grief. I should have stayed out after Strictly Come Dancing finished.
Underrated part of Christmas: watching the version of the "Walking in the Air" video where a young Aled Jones is walking around some countryside with a dog, and changing the lyrics to things like "I've got to phone my Mum, I should be home for tea by now".
If I had to pick one highlight from the year for this site then I'd have to pick getting a threatening e-mail from an old friend of mine through the feedback page. As always, comedy = tragedy + time.
(Without going into details this is what happens when your friends don't learn from the lessons taught to us by Phil Mitchell. If there was ever an Eastenders character who we could learn from, it's Phil. On an obscure related note, and I'm supporting anyone playing Romania in Euro 2008.)
Is there a more frustrating oversight than failing to scrape the ice away from the blind spot on your car windows?
Suggestion for Kevin Cadle: More coaching, less presenting. It's not your gift in life.
Suggestion for Paul Merson: Less commentating, even less coaching. Neither is your gift in life.
Trickiest thing about this time of year that no-one talks about has to be about when to post cards to people who have birthdays around Christmas. And no, this isn't a way to apologise in advance for getting it wrong.
Incidentally, someone who won't be named suggested it wasn't good planning to have a daughter born in December. She was right. I've been assembling toys non-stop for the past two weeks and probably won't stop now until Easter.
I thought I owned some obscure videos and DVDs, until I saw some of the cheapest DVDs in play.com's Christmas sale. I didn't realise that you could get so many fishing DVDs. Isn't that more interesting to actually do than watch though?
(I'm tempted to delete that last paragraph. It will just give my Dad ideas for something for me in future years. If he remembers at all, that is.)
I don't like being near any shops on Christmas Eve, but no doubt I'll end up having to go and get something. And no doubt I'll end up catching Chris Rea's "Driving Home for Christmas" on a radio station somewhere. Actually I should just be thankful that somehow I didn't hear Slade until December 19th this year.
While we're talking about Christmas music now is probably a good time to summarise the top 50,000 Christmas songs of all time:
1) Fairytale of New York (the proper version, not the Radio 1/2007 politically correct version - this seems like as good a place as any to mention justiceforkirsty.org).
2) Merry Christmas (War Is Over).
50,000) Wonderful Christmastime (is there any chance Heather Mills wins the rights to royalties from this and radio stations stop playing it in protest? I can only hope.)
Just had a really nasty thought. What if Westlife covered Wonderful Christmastime? It doesn't bear thinking about.
(Still in shock at the thought of it.)
Have a great Christmas!